Published February 4, 2011
The circle is closing tonight.
The stillness of life when death is near:
White curtains rustling,
Bringing a troubled sleep.
Chained in a ray of moonlight,
Surrounded by the invisible voices,
A choir of millions in the darkness;
But now you stand on the edge,
A marble goddess to grace the zenith
Of the cold concrete jungle,
Closer to heaven than you've ever been.
In the wind and rain,
The sirens below you scream:
Break yourself on the rocks.
But you stand alone before a blinding light,
Tearing you apart to see inside.
This is what you bow before.
Sacrificial virgin,
Who will save you now?
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141,298 Literary Works • 674,337 Reviews
It's okay
I loved this. You stick with one idea through the entire piece and really develop it so it reaches it's full potential as far as impact. The style is also consistent throughout, giving the piece really strong atmosphere. I read through the poem a few times and could only come up with a couple suggestions.
This sentence is extremely long, and the idea started in the first three lines is never fully fleshed out. The description in those lines is excellent, but what exactly are they describing? Breaking that section up a bit and finishing out that description will make it much clearer and drastically improve the flow.
Like Snoink, I wanted a little more about the environment. Someone's location is incredibly important to how they think and feel at any given time, so the giving some insight into the MC's environment will give the poem more depth and meaning. The only reference to location I could find was "concrete jungle", which I took to mean a city.
I'm not a fan of the use of that phrase, as it's such a common way to refer to urban areas, and you're obviously talented enough to come up with a more original description.
I don't have much to offer besides that. Really great work
Hi Warrior Princess!
Okay, so when I saw the title, I kind of squeed because it reminds me of Stravinsky's "Rite of Spring" and I rather adore that whole ballet.
Now, about the poem! I think it would be cool if you could incorporate more "mythology" into this (as it were) so that there were more connections drawn between the old sense of sacrificial virgin and the new one. Also, it would clue us in to key information, such as what kind of culture you're drawing the connections with. Obviously, one is an urban environment, which is cool and everything, but it would be even cooler if we could see exactly what kind of urban environment!
Er... that doesn't quite make sense. Let me give an example!
You know Mexico? Well, a long time ago, the Aztecs lived in Mexico and they frequently sacrificed people, including virgins, for various religious ceremonies. So, it would be neat to see modern-day Mexico being compared with the Aztecs. It would give his poem a lot more flair and it would bring a specificity to the poem that would really make it powerful.
Anyway, just an idea!